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Archie McPhee
Jumbo Mystery Box

Tanya A. Brown

What did YOU get for Christmas, boys and girls? Me, I'm fortunate enough to have a brother-in-law who's familiar with my tastes. On Christmas morning I got a big ole box filled with goodies from Archie McPhee, the ubiquitous "supplier of toys and gifts for popular culture." My squeals of joy made the window glass vibrate.

I'd always wanted to try their Jumbo Mystery Box, but I didn't want to pony up the cash. Instead, several years ago I compromised by ordering their smaller Surprise Package at about half the price. Although fun, in my recollection it ran to things like plastic animals, which were quickly dispensed to depressed coworkers in need. (Who wouldn't benefit from a plastic iguana now and then?)

The larger Mystery Box, though, turned out to be an unexpected delight. I don't know who works at the McPhee packing department, but based on this box I could imagine that it's populated by the same aging hippies who used to hold Volkswagen-cramming contests back in the sixties. The box was literally packed so tightly with goodies that it could hold nothing else. Sometimes, I guess, you really do get what you pay for.

As the McPhee website and catalog indicate, the contents of any given box will vary. Logic suggests that it's going to be largely comprised of closeout items: if you peek at their site and see what's currently on sale, you'll probably find at least a few of those things in the box.

The surprise box made a wonderful gift in and of itself, but I could also imagine ordering one to have a variety of birthday and hostess gifts on hand. Some of the items would also make a great basis for art projects.

Some favorite items from the box I received:

 

   
 

Pink poodle purse - If you're like me, you often fret over which handbag to wear with your evening dress. This purse should go with almost anything, and it's virtually certain that no one else will have one like it. Just steer clear of Triumph, the insult comic dog!

 

 

   
 

Hypno-Purse - Stylish and oh-so-practical! It's large enough to hold a bottle and a couple of diapers AND the hypnotically spinning wheel will help sedate a fussy baby, assuming he doesn't rip it right off the purse.

 

 

   
 

Pink Elephant Booze Bag - Just the thing for carrying gifts of alcohol, or for putting a cheerful face on the fact that you're a wino.

 

 

   
 

Deluxe Cocktail Squids

"The packaging says that they're deluxe," my brother-in-law said with some surprise when I unearthed this item.

"Well of course they are!" I replied with annoyance. "How could they not be? They're COCKTAIL SQUIDS!"

Sheesh.

Much nicer than insipid wine glass markers (Tacky Living's designs excepted) for keeping track of one's drink. Could also be converted into nifty earrings.

 

 

   
 

Cards printed on flimsy paper - Cut them out and ... I don't know what. They're fascinating to look at, though. I may just tack the uncut sheet to my bulletin board.

 

 

   
  Metal box filled with clear-topped vials - Not at all weird or tacky, but very handy for hobby use.

 

 

   
 

Funky Fresh Air fresheners - I still haven't gotten the courage to see what the "Monkey Fresh" scent is like, although the possibilities boggle the mind. After all, the monkey is smoking, and don't monkeys in zoos like to hurl feces?

 

 

   
  Hindu Krishna Lunchbox - if you live in a Christian fundamentalist area of the country and your kid isn't already getting beaten up at school, this ought to rectify the situation. Would also make a snazzy purse.

 

   
  Reverse side of lunchbox. Doesn't Ganesh look like he's having a nice time?

 

 

   
  Nun lunchbox - Just in case you didn't get enough of Catholic school the first time around, you can carry this as a painful reminder.

 

   
  Reverse side of lunchbox.

 

 

   
 

Plastic porcupine, or maybe it's a hedgehog or an echidna - You never can tell when you'll need one of these. In fact, it would be good to have an extra and keep it in the car for emergencies.

 

 

   
 

Food on TV - If you're like me, you periodically get into a recipe rut:

"Honey, I need to go to the store. What do you want to eat this week?"

"Dunno. Is there anything you want?"

"No, not really. I don't care."

"Neither do I."

"Ok, guess we'll starve, then."

This gadget is so ingenious it could shake almost anyone free of the culinary doldrums. With a simple press of the button, one is treated to a series of low-quality photos of dishes that haven't seen the light of day since the late fifties. The photos are every bit as appetizing-looking as the ones in a James Lileks' book.

Eat your heart out, Food Network.

 

   
  The back, with a black-and-white preview of the oh-so-tempting photos.
     

Also included in the box:

  • Two small glow-in-the dark skulls, with removable jaws that reveal an empty brain cavity. I'm not sure what they're for, but I'm going to save at least one in case I need a pillbox when I get old.
  • Battle Babes stationery - Features beautiful Chinese women dressed in military garb. Make those thank-you notes especially memorable!
  • Internet urinal, with adapter for females. Very handy indeed. This and a case of Jolt or Code Red would make a great gift for almost anyone.
  • Ideal Boy/Girl tissues - Four small tissue packs decorated with the characters from Indian "Ideal Boy/Girl" posters. Hygienic and convenient.
  • Soviet-era tin cards - The Soviet equivalent of WWII "loose lips sink ships" propaganda posters. Now I own a piece of faux history!
  • Parasite Pals eraser - Removes graphite marks from paper AND serves as a good reminder to wash one's hands frequently, especially after handling feces that isn't your own.
  • Build-it-yourself 35 mm camera - "Not for children under three", the box says. Well. We'll just see about that, shall we?
  • Happy Birthday in log letters - Another unquestionably practical item. God bless you, Archie McPhee!
  • Tins - Mint-sized, decorated with weird and colorful ads. Looking at them is like traveling to another time and place without risking malaria or giardia.

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