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Arts & Entertainment: The Magic Towel
Tanya A. Brown
In the golden age of premiums, every cereal box contained
a toy surprise, every box of laundry detergent included a brightly colored
"towel" the thickness of a handkerchief, and woe unto the supermarket
that didn't dispense S&H
Green Stamps with each purchase. In this commercial Eden we ate, drank,
and wiped with thinly disguised propaganda. And It Was Good.
Naturally, premiums populate my earliest memories: a
cereal box model of a lunar module swaying threateningly from the ceiling
as a tornado wafted my parents' trailer house into the air. A story book
cum propaganda leaflet from the K2R Spot Remover Company concerning a
spotless leopard who collected replacement spots with their fine product.
(K2R very thoughtfully included a sample of their product with the book,
and I spent many a happy hour spreading the toxic sludge on animate and
inanimate objects to gather up my own collection of spots. No doubt the
fumes did untold damage to my six year old brain, the key reason I'm now
reduced to running a website called Tacky Living.)
Best of all was a darling little book distributed by
the Martex Corporation about little Oliver, his Magic Towel, and the gay,
gay times they had together. I have no idea how old my copy is, but according
to an entry in newspaperarchive.com,
Martex was giving them out as early as June, 1962. When I first got the
book I couldn't read, so I'd look at the pictures and make up my own stories.
Now that I've actually read the text, it turns out that was a wise move.
Enjoy.
WARNING: the following
artwork contains depictions of bare toddler buttocks.
Click on thumbnails to see them even larger. Or, you know, to see the
entire page.
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"Story by Margaret Fishback
Pictures by Irene Trivas"
After toiling away on The
Magic Towel, Irene Trivas went on to illustrate inspirational
children's books with titles such as Roses
are Pink and You Stink.
Margaret Fishback, the author, may be the same
Margaret Fishback who is reputed to have penned the immortal doggerel:
"Old man, forswear
that dogged rumba
Go home and yield to Christian slumba."
I'm not sure whether these experiences were a
step up or a step down from creating The
Magic Towel.
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Here's the hero of the book, a toddler named Oliver
who is unfortunately afflicted with Stumpy Little Legs Syndrome.
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Duuuude! He's turned into a dog! |
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This is disturbing. We've gone from a picture
of a toddler to a picture of a dog and now we're suddenly treated
to a cross-sectional view of a house, with a strange pipe-puffing
guy peering up a woman's dress.
Why is she splayed on the floor like that, anyhow?
Did she have a heart attack? And isn't it kind of inconvenient having
a wall that goes off at a whacko angle instead of straight up and
down?
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"His Mom and Dad were indeed undone
At such performances by their son."
Dear God! Oliver has become a bizarre toddler/female
hybrid! Even worse, now he's wearing high heels! On the plus side,
he's no longer plagued by stumpy legs.
Now I understand why the book is called
The Magic Towel.
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"But baths were a source of black
despair."
"Mommy, why doesn't Oliver have any
clothes on? And what is that man with a pipe doing? He looks mean.
I think he's a Bad Man."
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"When Oliver, captured, was bathed that
night,
And wrapped in the towel, he ceased to fight."
Oliver, after the Bad Man with the Pipe is done with him. Evidently
the donning of an ugly flowered towel had a starring role in the
Bad Man's plan. Sick creep.
Poor Oliver. Let's hope the kids at preschool don't find out about
this.
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Oliver, after I manipulate his eyes and mouth in
Photoshop to make him look even more pathetic. |
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Good times! There's no better toy for a child than a really big
gun! Plus it's a really stunning foil for the towel.
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Even better? Something to shoot! |
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Um. Oliver? Are you aware that rhinos are an endangered species?
Be a good lad and put the gun down, won't you?
Besides, I'm not sure your allowance will run to taxidermy of both
the giraffe and the rhino.
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"Then 'Swoosh!' it went, with a sprightly
tune,
And off he flew to the silvery moon."
Oliver, Old Wart, I know I made fun of your towel,
but have you ever considered that traipsing around nude in a hard
vacuum might not be a health-enhancing move?
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And now you're wiping your toddler butt on the
Man in the Moon, which is none too polite. You know, other people
have to look up at that moon every night. |
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Wipe 'em and leave 'em, eh Oliver? |
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Whoa! Where did these bad guys and the cactus come
from? Are they supposed to be in outer space too? |
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Um, okay, I suppose a bath is in order after the
big game expedition and trip to the moon and all. |
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OLIVER!!! How many times have I told you not to fly around without
your helmet?
Oh, well. At least he's wearing something this time.
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Now what? Somehow we've wound up in a bathroom
which has the ugliest towels ever made draped on every single darned
surface. Must ... put ... eyes ... out.
Maybe it's a good time to insert another
quote from the book.
"Here's Oliver's Mother's bathroom
bower ...
It's lovely and gay as a May-time flower!"
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