Travel & Leisure: Fun with Telemarketers
Jim Belcher

(Editor's note: since this article was written, a national do-not-call list has been implemented in the United States, vastly reducing the number of telemarketing calls most people receive. However, this article is well worth reading for the few that still manage to slip through.)

In a mid-century understated British movie, the Devil tells the hero how great all of his inventions have worked out: the car is a major source of annoyance, radio is fantastic, and the telephone is superb. It's hard to believe this movie was released before telemarketing was commonplace.

Telemarketing: the name lends an aura of sophistication to the act of harassing one's friends and neighbors at inopportune times, trying to get them to buy products they never heard of and don't want, on terms Old Scratch would envy. Whenever a phone rings, one has little choice but to answer it. Even with caller id, that unknown number could be an important call. So we answer, but all too often the friendly voice at the other end is clearly no one we either know or wish to know.

"We're selecting homes in your neighborhood which have unpleasant odors to demonstrate our new air freshener."

"I'm conducting a survey in your neighborhood amongst homeowners who take pride in their homes." Obviously, you have pride in your home, so you won't hang up.

Perhaps my all time favorite was a firm which wanted to sell me a product to keep roots out of my septic line. None of us want roots in our septic line! Would it get rid of roots already there?

No, it would only keep new roots from forming. After a bit of thought, I realized that if roots were found in the septic line, they would claim they were already there, and the only proof the product was working was that nothing happened. Which is a pretty good description of that potential sale.

Another equally good product is the lifetime light bulb. Guaranteed forever unless broken. Of course, the filament has much higher resistance, and burns cooler (which is why it lasts much longer), but it also puts out much less light than a normal bulb of the same wattage.

This was presented in such glowing terms that my wife almost bought some. One doesn't dare listen to these sales pitches; they are carefully rehearsed to force us to buy products or look silly.

I've actually been told by a couple of people that they feel sorry for the callers, and that they feel being impolite to them isn't nice or necessary. This is not a viewpoint I share; I plan to address this subject in greater detail in my book on this same subject. Uninvited guests are uninvited; forget the guest part. Guests don't spin wild fabrications designed to separate you from your money.

That is, with the possible exception of some relatives, and yes, I do have at least one relative who was a telemarketer, and seems proud of it. I will glory, instead, in my distant relationship to Atilla the Hun.

More rested, and ready for some fun? Try the "Anything goes" approach.

If you have the mental energy and time, telemarketers can become a source of amusement. After all, they called you, so they're fair game. Here are some tried and proven techniques, gathered from associates and personal experience. The reader should be cautioned that most of my associates are also retired, and are considered cranks by their wives, children, and neighbors.

Experience from the past
When I was in high school, and part of a debating team, I learned that the trick was not the relevancy of what you said, but how much it threw your opponent off guard. A classic example was a debate on fluoride toothpaste. One debater asked a member of the opposing team; "what brand of toothpaste do you buy?"

The answer? "I don't buy any; I borrow my roommate's."

We don't owe telemarketers a direct answer. Direct answers are what they want; their whole script depends on straight answers. Like the debater, we can afford to throw off the scent of these telephonic hounds by giving them information totally different than they expect. That leaves them baying up someone else's telephone pole.

Set a Date and Time
One friend had a particularly persistent caller who kept trying to sell him aluminum siding. He couldn't get a word in long enough to tell the caller that he had a brick home, and siding had absolutely no value to him. Finally, he made an appointment for a representative of the firm to meet him at his house at a time no one would be home. That got the point across. He got a second call, complaining that he hadn't told them his house was brick. But he didn't get any more calls from that firm.

Frighten Them
I've left my son and daughter instructions on occasion that they are welcome to dispose of telemarketers in any manner convenient. I returned home one evening to learn that my son had spoken with them very politely, and had informed them I was unavailable: "Dad's at his weekly Ku Klux Klan meeting, and won't be home until late."

Now, that was a total fabrication, but for some reason, the telemarketer never called back. It wouldn't be half as pleasant to me if I didn't have blood lines which the Klan considers impure. But then, so do most Americans.

Answering machine messages
Most of our friends know the kind of serious messages we'd actually leave on an answering machine, so leaving bait on the answering machine sometimes gets rid of telemarketers, but not anyone who knows us. I once composed a lengthy message, designed along these very lines:

"The Federal Government now requires that all messages left on answering machines be accompanied by certain data. This data is being collected for statistical purposes. Listen carefully before providing the data; this message will not be repeated. At the end of this message, please provide your social security number. If you are married, provide your wife's social security number. Following this, provide your father's social security number, then your mother's social security number. If your parents were not married, the government does not require that you provide any of this information."

At least one telemarketer was so flustered, she verbally admitted during her message that she'd forgotten why she called. One friend was clearly confused, but understood it was a joke, saying; "You wouldn't believe me if I told you," and then left her message.

The prize was one friend who simply said: "Hi, Jim! My parents weren't married," and left his message. Which was the point of the whole message: admit you're illegitimate, and you can leave your message. Of course, since most of the world probably thinks telemarketers are illegitimate, they're not likely to admit it so readily.

A simple approach
A simple "Satan Speaking, who in Hell do you want," often jars all but the most jaded callers, and flusters telemarketers thoroughly. It's a bit uncouth and brash, but effective.

Make them want to hang up
Tell them something so odd or terrifying, that they can't wait to get rid of you. Convince them you're nuts, or you have a contagious disease that can be contracted over phone lines.

Example 1:

"Hello, I'm doing a survey amongst car users in your neighborhood."

"My wife and I sold our cars; we ride bikes everywhere."

"Really?"

"Yes. We saw on TV how the exhaust was eating a hole in the atmosphere over the poles, and the little green men were getting through."

The caller excused herself rather quickly.

Example 2:

"Hello, I'm conducting a survey. What television program are you watching?"

"I'm sorry, my neighbors complain when I watch television."

"Why is that? Do you have to turn the volume up?"

"No. I don't have a TV set, and they pull down their blinds."

The Ultimate Method

After thirty odd years of study in this area, I have devised what I believe may be the ultimate method of getting rid of telemarketers. When called, one just asks if the telemarketer likes getting telemarketing calls at their home. If the answer is no, one is free to ask why, then, this person thinks their call will be welcomed.

If they answer yes, ask for their name and home phone number, telling them you want to pass it out to other telemarketers. One telemarketer laughed when I tried this, and indicated he thought all of them already had it. But he did get the point, and the conversation ended.

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Jim Belcher is a retired project engineer who lightens his retirement hours by waiting for the phone to ring. He's always pleased to share his good humor with a telemarketer.