Food: Confessions of a Caffeine Junky

In this interview we delve into the seamy underground of caffeine use, speaking with one man as he confronts the impact that the chemical has made on his life.

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XX: Before we get started with this stupid interview, I want to be clear on one thing: don't use my real name. I don't want my family or coworkers to know that I've appeared in your pathetic publication. It's only because I have pity for your need for worthwhile content that I'm allowing you to speak with me at all.

Tacky Living: That's fine. By now, our readers understand that most of the content in our interviews is fiction, just as with many other publications, so lying about your name isn't going to be a big deal.

So tell us - how long ago did you head down the path of caffeine-drenched destruction?

XX: It's been years, but I really got involved about a year ago. There are only five effective chemical stimulants: cocaine, speed, crystal amphetamine, caffeine, and nicotine. And, you know, since three of those five are illegal and my primary use is at work, I've kind of moved in the direction of the caffeine.

Tacky Living: How did you get started?

XX: Well, you know, when people think of caffeine, they usually think in terms of coffee. That's because coffee is available almost everywhere. So I got started like a lot of people, with the daily cup of coffee. It seemed innocent enough. You know, sitting in a cafe with my wife on Saturday mornings sipping coffee and downing a pastry. Maybe a cup when I got to work. That kind of thing.

Then pretty soon it escalated to more cups of coffee, then mochas, then lattes, then espressos. It was downhill from there. I got jaded, and started trying stronger and stronger things, sick combinations I'm ashamed to admit to. I started hitting the hard stuff - the oddball specialty items that most people don't know about. You can't find those things locally. You have to get on the web, or find somebody who knows somebody.

Tacky Living: Does your family know about this perverted lifestyle?

XX: Well, it's been touch and go a few times. I think my wife got suspicious once when she found a credit card bill with some strange items on it. And I've had a hard time disguising my heavy cream usage - it's darned hard to down all of those espressos without it. But I didn't want to lose my wife, so I had to just start using the artificial creamer from work.

Tacky Living: That's one of the saddest stories I've ever heard. Now, a lot of our readers aren't familiar with the paraphernalia, but need their sick curiosity satisfied. Could you show us a few pieces?

XX: Well, I have this shirt with the caffeine molecule that's pretty cool. (Holds up sweater, exposing shirt) I usually wear a sweater over it so that my coworkers won't know that I'm a hardcore user. And I have this mug that has a caffeine molecule on it. That comes in handy so that you'll know there's caffeine in there and not something else. Then there are the Shock® hyper-caffeinated coffee beans, the caffeine mints, and the Bawls® guarana.

Tacky Living: What's guarana? It sounds like some sort of intestinal disorder.

XX: I think it's some sort of herb.

Tacky Living: I notice that you don't have anything like Jolt® or Surge®.

XX: I've tried them. They're rather mild. I also tried caffeinated water once. It tasted odd.

Tacky Living: It was probably contaminated with guarana. Now, I know that it's a touchy business divulging your supplier, but where do you get all of this stuff?

XX: I've had good luck at thinkgeek.com. They even offer regular scheduled delivery, for those with regular habits. It's made it a lot less lonely knowing that there are others out there in the same situation. And then I have to get the hypercaffeinated coffee at shockalots.com.

Tacky Living: Well, yours is certainly an unusual, cautionary story. Thank you for speaking with us, and good luck.

XX: Oh, it's been my pleasure. If you like, you can share a couple of my favorite recipes with your readers. And for those readers out there who are still in the closet - you know who you are! - I recommend the Erowid Caffeine Vault. Know your addiction.

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Editor's note: These recipes are posted for your reading amusement only. For God's sake, don't try them. Really. We mean it. There is no telling how much caffeine is in these recipes or what the toxic dose is for your body. Just read the recipes and tell yourself that you feel more awake, ok?

Mint-Caffeine Shake
In blender, combine one scoop ice cream and 1 cup espresso. Whip at high speed. Add six or more pulverized caffeine mints and blend at low speed. Serve immediately, with garlic toast. Optional: Throw a few chocolate-covered espresso beans on top for texture (Available at most StarBucks®).

The Mint Depth-Charge
Using caffeinated water and hypercaffeinated coffee beans (ground to an espresso grind) brew a shot of espresso. Pour into a cup of coffee (made from same beans). Add two pulverized caffeine mints. Be near a hospital.